Expectation and the Human Psyche

Warning: This is pure (kind of) stream of consciousness. At this point I have no intention to edit. Read at your own peril.

I've recently come to realize the power of expectation on the human psyche. It's quite an interesting phenomenon. Let me try to provide some context.

I'd been feeling really, really crappy lately, to the point of foregoing the exercise of sound judgment in important life situations. The onset of such morose isn't so easily identifiable for me, but I do know that it came to a climax shortly after the death of an innocent loved one, a precious child. Other things had happened, family issues, an affair of the heart (or perhaps ego), etc. But I've seen a lot of dark days in my life and the latter examples just mentioned have sort of been par for the course, so no big deal in the grand scheme of things. But the death of the child was heavy.

I questioned many things in life that I would not normally wonder about, at least not in any sustained, serious manner. Yet somehow all the things (and to a certain extent the people) I valued seemed to be less important than figuring out what I wasn't sure I could ever figure out -- the "why" of it all. Something akin to Solomon's Ecclesiastes musings or Albert Camus' quasi-existentialism generally, I suppose. It's difficult to articulate the emotion, but suffice it to say I was far removed from my normally skeptically-optimistic-reasonably-happy self. I was sad -- really sad. To be sure, I've been sad before, but somehow this was different. I know the psycho-therapist among you hear "sad" and think "depressed." While I can't be sure precisely what the difference between the two might be, I do believe there is a difference; I was sad, not depressed. I know me well.

I recently had dinner with an old colleague and her spouse and the conversation turned to a newly found interest of theirs -- Buddhism. These are two very, very smart, well-educated thoughtful people. For that reason, I listened to what they said carefully, although I'd be remiss not to mention that at first blush, of such philosophy I would not normally avail myself. I asked them to identify the core tenets of Buddhism. The gist of what I took from their responses is that all things in life are interconnected. On some level I believe that's true, although I suspect it's from a different vantage point than my friends believe. More importantly, the conversation we had is germane to the topic of this writing. That is, expectation. In that simple example of my broader point, I expected to learn something of value from what these thoughtful people are so passionate about, and in no small way because of that expectation I did. And I felt good about it. For the avoidance of any doubt, I'm not suggesting that I embraced the philosophical underpinnings of what they posited, but I am suggesting that the expectation of something positive to come from the exchange impacted my receptivity and emotional state.

More to my general point. I believe people yearn, really yearn, meaningful relationships. I know it sounds simplistic, but I never appreciated the magnitude of what that really means until very recently. In my case, it is such a strong yearning that I adamantly eschew fake relationships, surface relationships. But the expectation of a solid, mutually-respectful relationship can change one's outlook on just about anything. Expectation is exciting. Expectation makes you want to do the "right thing." It makes you more thoughtful, more considerate. The funny thing is that it doesn't even have to be a rational expectation. It could be building something up in your own mind! I know it almost sounds delusional; perhaps it is. All the same, it's incredibly powerful! I'm thankful for it. Questions remain, thoughts abound, as does the looming threat of sadness, as they always will, I suspect. But the expectation of something or someone good is an awfully soothing antidote.

Maybe one day I'll catch up on my Freud and Skinner readings and learn that my new insight is mere 101. Nonetheless, it's been good for me -- so I guess I'm back.